Glitching
After being in therapy for a little over two years, I recognize that I suppress so much of myself. I make choices based upon my need to be respected, liked, and applauded. I have not been authentic to my true self. I became a mother, wife, and a scholar. All the things I was told by society, religion, and TV that I was supposed to be. I am realizing that there’s a possibility that I have not become the person I was “supposed to be.” It is time to decide: Do I want to express myself, or do I want to be what others want?
In an effort to fully be my authentic self, I am using the principles of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In using the principles, I am impeccable with my words, I don’t take anything personally; I try not to make assumptions; and I always do my best.
At the end of each year, I set goals for myself for the upcoming year. Along with a set of goals, I create a mantra or theme. My 2020 year theme and my mantra was “Try everything at least once.” Perfect, right? I mean it’s 2020 and I was turning 40. To start, I had this big idea of throwing a grand 1920s party — not because I love the 1920s era for any of its political implications or the state of America at the time — I like the style of the era. The clothes and music are aesthetically pleasing to me. After the party, I planned to go on a solo trip, something I’ve never done. I was going to go to Chiang Mai with the hope of having a rebirth — goodbye to the girl afraid of speaking her mind because it might offend, afraid of going alone to another country, afraid of standing out in a crowd, afraid of wondering what people think of her, and afraid of hurting someone’s feelings rather than speaking her truth.
I wasn’t able to take the planned rebirth trip to Chiang Mai because in March 2020 the pandemic hit. However, I have been trying to find small ways to still continue my journey of self discovery. I took a trip to Las Vegas to surprise a friend at her wedding. I went alone, no husband and no kids. Las Vegas wasn’t as cool as I have known it to be as I had to wear a mask the entire time. I could not hang out in bars or clubs and was unable to meet new people. But it was a solo trip. I learned a lot about myself through that process. I learned that I do not need other people to have fun or to feel safe. I found out that I am comfortable going off by myself and wandering a city alone. I learned that people do not have the same definition of freedom that I do. Paradoxically, I’ve always been “weird” by the general standard: I dressed weird, wore my hair weird, and I liked math (which was seen as weird for a black girl). Yet, I did worry what others thought of me. Now, I was ready to embrace being weird. I was ready not to care what others thought of me, ready to be my new self, the self I had been hiding. I started wearing red lipstick during the day. This may not sound like a big deal but for me it is, because I had once been told when I showed up at an event wearing red lipstick that I “thought I was all that.” That was definitely not what I thought. I only thought it looked good with what I was wearing. But from that day, I decided I never wanted to make anyone feel uncomfortable because I wore red lipstick. However, I’m putting the red lipstick back on and not just for a formal event at night, but during the day — just because.
I want to continue discovering my true self and immersing myself into situations that are unfamiliar or forbidden. I want to put myself in situations that I fear. I now know that I am not responsible for how someone else feels about my presence.
More importantly, I realize I don’t want my kids to have to do the work of shedding and unlearning societal norms and expectations like me. I want them to be able to grow into their authentic selves from the beginning. This means that I have to allow them to explore who they are, who they want to be, what they want from this life without telling them what they should be.
Doing what I want without second guessing has not been easy for me, but I have noticed the more I do it, the easier it gets and the better it feels. My kids are reaping the benefits as well, because they are discovering who they are along with me and they know that whoever they decide they are, I am going to accept and love them unconditionally.
