The criticism of Lil Nas X’s new song: a reflection of parent hypocrisy
As a parent watching the moral outrage around Lil Nas X and his most recent song and video, I am truly concerned about the world we live in. Obviously, I am not new to the space of being misunderstood — I exist as a black woman in math in the United States, which is probably why his latest song and video resonates so much with me. The part I think people are missing is how they could take his song and relate it to some part of their life in a way that is both informative and meaningful, just like Lil Nas X uses the song to speak to a younger version of himself (hence the title of the song “Montero”). If more people did this, they would find it easier to understand his position and appreciate his amazing work.
The video is powerful! For so many years, Lil Nas X was taught to hate himself. The video frees him, and gives others permission to start discovering their own freedom, which why it is unsurprising that he features the Greek playwright Aristophanes’ famous origin story at the beginning of the music video (on the tree of life), “After the division the two parts of man, each desiring his other half”. Not only was this quote used in icons of queer culture, like Hedwig and the Angry Itch, it is also used to highlight someone’s path to self-love and “wholeness”, that is to desire the different parts of themselves, through an exploration of their personhood (which is perhaps why a majority of the characters look like Lil Nas X). I am sure you can already see why I love this video!
The problem is people have a hard time swallowing pills they pass out. Like the rockmen in the Colosseum in Lil Nas X’s video, they fall into groupthink and social media outrage without, thinking, and seeing the extreme irony behind their outrage. People have a hard time finding out that the person they gave the pill to didn’t actually take it. It’s been under their tongue the entire time. Society and religion state that who you are is OK, but when you show up as that person they are shocked. When you don’t take the pills they give, they don’t understand you. And like the latin phrase on the floor of Lil Nas X’s version of hell, “they condemn that which they do not understand”.
For many parents, speaking as a parent, the shock comes because it seems as if they decided to have kids in an effort to create better versions of themselves. So, they have their kid take piano lessons because they did, or because they wanted to when they were kids. They send their kids to the same schools they went to. If ever the kid starts to “stray” from the path they set, the parents begin to question what they have done wrong. More often than not, they do not recognize that the “wrong” part was not allowing this unique, incredible human they gave birth to to become the best version of themselves. They haven’t tried to understand; and they have condemned that which they do not understand.
The way I see it, learning how to be better parents, or should I say how to be more open and honest parents, will lead to less pain for both parents and children. The parents will not be let down because their child didn’t fulfill their expectations. The child won’t feel unworthy and will be free to discover and become themselves — to find their wholeness, as I would like to think that Aristophanes would have put it.
I’m actually guilty of this myself. It’s easy to fall in this trap because it was done to you, and you simply think that it’s what parenting is and should be. I put my oldest daughter in dance class when she was 5, not because she asked for it but because it’s what I did. At about age 10, she came to me and said she didn’t like dance, and that she wanted to try gymnastics. However, I thought it was too late and that she was too old to start a new hobby. I tried to talk her out of it. I finally offered her an opportunity to pursue her interest if she could teach herself to do a cartwheel. If she could do that, I would know she really wanted it and that I should invest my money in classes for her. Well…she did. She quit dance and started gymnastics. She joined the competitive team very shortly after this, because the coaches saw her potential. And she went on to place first in many competitions. It was her dream, not mine, and that’s why it worked. She found part of her wholeness when she did gymnastics.
I truly feel like humans need to recognize that if what someone else is doing does not directly affect you or harm you in any way, then it actually isn’t any of your business. Your self-discovery journey will look different to other people’s. My hope is that my kids have the self-awareness that Lil Nas X has shown in his latest music video. It is awful to live in the prison of your own brain, or the prison of society’s expectations. I think Lil Nas X may describe it as akin to being stoned to death in a Colosseum filled with unthinking, unimaginative rock people.
As a parent I simply brought humans into this space. I am not the maker of their truth. I should not try to design them as humans. They are who they are from the moment they were conceived. There’s no controlling them as they seek to discover who they are. As a parent, I only want to promote their interests, and help them become the best version of themselves. I want to help them find their wholeness.
I am truly thankful for Lil Nas X and his ability to confront society in this way. I’m glad that my kids get to grow up in a world where they get to witness people choosing to be their authentic selves. But I’m also sad that they have to see the backlash of that. I’m having conversations with my kids about this and many other identity issues that are present in our society today. I am letting them know that even if they became the person that society wanted them to become, there would still be backlash. For them, it would be like living in the prison of their own mind. I personally have figured out that Hell is actually “living” with negative thoughts and resentment day and night. Many religions talk about Hell as a place you go to, but, for many people, the reality is that Hell is a place they experience while on earth. I absolutely love that in the video he takes creative control over the ideas around Heaven and Hell, and that, at the end of the video, he takes charge over his own demons.
I can’t help but wonder if the video reminds people of the things they were in the closet for, or what they didn’t push against to have their own truth. Perhaps that is why it makes them so upset. Of course, it doesn’t help at all that he is a young, black, gay man in America experiencing success, despite all the ridicule he has received as far back as his hit Old Town Road. Again, the unthinking, lifeless rockmen throwing their rocks…
It reminds me of something that happened when my daughter was about eight years old. We were in the car and having a conversation about life, and she said she thought she’d rather go to Hell. It was very shocking to me, because I had a very southern Baptist upbringing. I have never heard anyone say they wanted to go to Hell. She felt like Hell was going to be “lit” because she would rather be with all of her friends and people that knew how to have a good time. She said Heaven sounded boring, “Heaven would have all the boring people”. This was her incredible eight-year-old perspective, and I have never forgotten it.
Watching Lil Nas X was just that for me. It was witnessing an idea that was given to him about a place that didn’t fit his own personal beliefs and experiences, and how he took that and wrote a love letter to his younger self — he found a way to call that young boy by his true name. So, the next time you find yourself outraged by something for the sake of society, a friend or what it may look like on the surface, how about talking to your kids to find how they feel about the topic? They might surprise you, just like my eight year old did with me.
